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#liar

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ful, malevolent, even if I am a liar and a poisoner, it is nevertheless the truth and it will have to be swallowed.
As to what happened
Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction. Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside, in life, as they say, lay the solution to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. In- stead I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for some- thing to attach myself to-and found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something had not looked for-myself. I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live-if what others are doing is called living-but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest in Jiving, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of it at the same time, and beyond it. What is true interests me scarcely at all, nor even what is real; only that interests me which I imagine to be, that which I had stifled every day in order to live. Whether I die today or tomorrow is of no importance to me, never has been, but that today even, after years of effort, I cannot say what I think and feel - that bothers me, that rankles. From child- hood on I can see myself on the track of this specter, en-
14 Tropic of Capricorn
joying nothing, desiring nothing but this power, this abil- ity. Everything else is a lie--everything I ever did or said which did not bear upon this. And that is pretty much the greater part of my life.
Temper Temper
21h
ful, malevolent, even if I am a liar and a poisoner, it is nevertheless the truth and it will have to be swallowed. As to what happened Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction. Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside, in life, as they say, lay the solution to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. In- stead I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for some- thing to attach myself to-and found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something had not looked for-myself. I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live-if what others are doing is called living-but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest in Jiving, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of it at the same time, and beyond it. What is true interests me scarcely at all, nor even what is real; only that interests me which I imagine to be, that which I had stifled every day in order to live. Whether I die today or tomorrow is of no importance to me, never has been, but that today even, after years of effort, I cannot say what I think and feel - that bothers me, that rankles. From child- hood on I can see myself on the track of this specter, en- 14 Tropic of Capricorn joying nothing, desiring nothing but this power, this abil- ity. Everything else is a lie--everything I ever did or said which did not bear upon this. And that is pretty much the greater part of my life.