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    • Gonna start gettin birthday cards with my condoms
      mrchewy3 2 apr
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    • “So with the XL condoms and Happy 9th Birthday card your total comes to...”
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    • In the porn shop buying a blow up doll, a butt plug and a bull whip, “Um, where are your Birthday cards?”
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    • If you’re too embarrassed to buy something chill the fuck out, they sell it because you’re not the only person in the world using it.
      wilsybug 3 apr
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    • If you’re choking on a piece of ice, pour boiling water down your throat and the obstruction melts away.
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    • Didnt work, got condoms and accidentally grabbed a card that said "happy bday sis!"
      tenders 2 apr
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    • Always jack off before talking to your ex because.. Ya know.
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    • Always masturbate before talking to your ex.
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    • *buys 15 dildos, 3 vibrators, and 8 lbs of lube and slides a birthday card to the cashier *
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    • Went to Walmart. Bought a pack of condoms, a dog leash, dog treats, and a birthday card.
      wijibo 2 apr
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    • Me: *throws yet another birthday card away after adding a new addition to the dildo collection*
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    • *buys a birthday card with a pregnancy test*
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    • *saves but never uses*
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    • *takes pic of a flat tire in a snow storm, late to work on a mid summer day “sorry I got a flat tire here’s a pic”
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    • *gets vibrator....and birthday card*
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    • Yes just one 10in black dildo with girating base and and multi use suction cups please. Oh and one birthday card as well
      Norbut 2 apr
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    • *goes to store* *at check out line* cashier: lets see, phenomena, bleach, rags, rope, ah and a birthday card.. ok seems legit"
      master7 2 apr
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    • A birthday card is gonna help buy 5,000 rounds of ammo 3 ak-47 3 ballistic chest plates and some masks... cashier: sir what is your plan for all of this. customer: it's for my 28 year old cousin and his friends.
      Tuck1738 8 apr
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    • I pretend a camera is watching me constantly that way I live my entire life as honest as possible.
      JTSpazzy 4 apr
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    • "Why do you get flat tires all the time"
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    • *looks into an imaginary camera during an argument like Jim in the office*
      nazpoato 2 apr
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    • imagine spending more money out of embarrassment
      xORIONx 6 apr
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    • To make your essays/papers longer, make all of your periods one size larger than the font. Like if your font in size 12, make the periods size 14. Along with commas
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    • Birthday card with giant dragon dildo
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    • Birthday card with your abortion purchase.
      SublmnL 3 apr
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    • For the tire one take multiple pics from different angles so you can use the excuse multiple times
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    • So apparently buying a giant dildo with a “happy 10th birthday” card was not the right move
      MrMister 2 apr
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    • Salt the food so that you make sure their integrity is intact, but then use an old flat tire picture as an excuse to show your lack of integrity. Nice
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    • I have a pic of a thermometer that says 102.4 degrees from a time I was actually that sick. I’ve used it multiple times to get out of different things 👌 and it’s not just a generic photo that you can find online easily, it’s my own
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    • In the sex shop: this and the card cashier: what card sir we don't sell cards where did you get that
      GiIded 2 apr
      6
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    • Ya'll for any of the sexual stuff just get a bachalor/bachalorette card and theyll think its a typical gag gift
      OoOpPsSs 2 apr
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    • Now I can get cucumbers, Vaseline, and rope worry free. Thanks birthday card
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    • I’ve been listening to this man’s advice for years. Y’all should too
      MDubz 2 apr
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    • just bought a pink dildo with that birthday card shit
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    • If I ever find a hair in my food I'm gonna take that bitch out and chow down. It's not like the fucking food has aids now
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    • When I go buy tampons ima get a birthday card with it and watch the cashier’s face
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    • Ned's declassified for adults
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    • These are good but cards are fucking expensive these days
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    • Finally, something that isn't a fucking video
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    • I saw a girl buy a birthday card along with some herpes medicine. The card said “Happy 4th birthday, Niece”! Seemed like an odd gift to buy one’s niece. It all makes sense now.
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    • Just take the hair out and eat it
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    • I used to like and repub these as if id look at them later, many years later and i havent looked at a single one
      U4EA 3 apr
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    • Awesome advice! *buys 2 y/o birthday card with condoms*
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    • As a cashier, I can personally tell you that we dont care what you're buying. You could be buying the most embarrassing shit ever or the weirdest stuff like a shovel and trashbags and bleach and we wouldn't bat an eye. We care too much about out items per minute (IPMs) to notice stuff like that
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    • Aren't you supposed to buy condoms so you don't have to buy birthday cards?
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    • Cashier: “anything else?” Me: no, just these 5 large dildos, gimp suit, whip, and 4 boxes of extra small condoms. Oh and this birthday card for my grandpa
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    • *buys dildo* "happy birthday, son"
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    • Apparently getting a Happy 5th birthday card with my condoms just made the problem worse
      SenriSei 2 apr
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    • Thanks! Now I can buy condoms with this birthday card that says “Happy 10th birthday!”
      5
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    • If you're in an argument with your girlfriend, theres no need to worry, she'll already be recording it
      5
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    • Idk about y’all but I think it’s still gonna be a lil embarrassing buying herpes cream and a birthday card
      Skrenny 2 apr
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    • I have worked in retail and I will say it to everyone “no on gives a ounce of shit about what you bye” we just wanna go on our break.
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    • Flesh light and a get well soon card
      5
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    • Next dildo I’m buying definitely getting a birthday card with it
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    • “Survival tip” lmao. If you find a hair in your food, take it out and eat your damn food. It’s a hair, not an aids infected turd
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    • First of all if you're in an argument with a woman/wife you are being recorded, cuz an elephant never forgets
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    • I don’t think they sell birthday cards at the same place they sell fleshlights.
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    • All these people nervous about buying condoms of all things have clearly never went to Spencer’s and had to ask the cashier to get down the thick dildo you can’t reach from the top display
      5
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    • Here's another tip, like this post so it will be easier to find later
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    • Gonna start going to my hookers with hallmark cards
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    • Pregnancy tests and birthday cards😂😂👌🏼
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    • Birthday cards and tampons
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    • Thank God. Now I can get some rope. Ducktape, and a nice chair with a bday card
      4
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    • My fat ass thought it said birthday CAKE. I was like “every time I buy a Plan B pill, I get a cake too!?!? That’s a win win win!””
      2muchHaT 5 apr
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    • Or, when in an argument, actually have an argument. Unless you mean a fight, which is different. Arguments are meant to come to a consensus. Fights are about winning over your opponent.
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    • *Buying a dildo with a Mother's Day card in hand*
      Shinzei 4 apr
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    • I got weird looks when I bought the dildo with the Father’s Day card wtf
      Vesiris 4 apr
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    • Yay can’t wait to save this and never look at it again lol
      Soccer87 4 apr
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    • In google docs, press ctrl + ‘ to jump to the nearest spelling error. It’ll save you tons of time, especially on long essays
      4
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    • Gets birthday boy card with tampons
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    • *Buys birthday card with burglaring kit*
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    • If you find a hair in your food, remove the hair. and then eat the food. Shit isn’t radioactive...
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    • You can't paste a 5 page essay into Google translate
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    • Also if you have a Credit card message me the information on it so I can tell you the secret message on it
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    • 4
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    • For everyone not getting the first one...the waiter and cooks are very likely to just take your food away, remove the hair and bring it right back to you. If your "new" food is all salty then you know they did that.
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    • Restaurant manager here. I 100% guarantee you. If there’s a hair in your food. You will get a new plate of food. Like that’s just nasty.. I would much rather eat the cost of recooking something vs. A guest complaint and negative review on Facebook.
      Sozzled 3 apr
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    • if you wanna fart but don't want it to be too loud spread your buttcheeks apart
      5
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    • Cashier: An 18 inch dragon dildo? Me: And a birthday card, yes.
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    • Too embarrassed to buy a birthday card? Good luck!
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    • Fuck you if you send food back because there's a hair in it. Pussy rights is what y'all are
      7
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    • Gonna grab a birthday card with my 17" glow in the dark dildo
      4
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    • *Turns and starts talking to imaginary camera during argument*
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    • When meeting by women, save their number with male names instead (i.e. Michael for Michelle, Daniel for Danielle, etc.).. That way girls don't get jealous when you get texts from other girls
      Kel_7 3 apr
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    • I don’t get the salt one. Can someone please explain?
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    • Dildos and birthday cards
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    • "So will the birthday card and butt-plug be all for today?" "Uh, yeah"
      4
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    • How am I gonna get a birthday card at a morgue?
      4
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    • Happy birthday here's some Preparation H.
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    • The "Happy 9th Birthday" card and box of condoms probably won't go over well.
      4
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    • Treat every argument like it's recorded, ESPECIALLY if it's with a woman, because you know she's not forgetting that shit.
      4
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    • Hey waiter look at how much salt there is on this hair
      4
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    • can’t wait to buy pads/tampons and a huge bag of chocolates with a birthday card
      4
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    • Does a hair in your food really freak people out? It's hair for fucks sake, you'll survive I promise
      5
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    • If youre too embarrassed to buy something suck it up, no cashier gives a shit what you buy and if they do, who cares?
      Rannoch 2 apr
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    • With the tire thing do it from multiple angles so you can reuse it without being suspicious.
      4
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    • For the birthday card one... if you wanna make it more awkward get a card that for mom or dad. Or aunt... maybe cousin? Nephew... you get it 😂
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    • Lube, tissues, 6 pack, scissors, a stuffed teddy bear and a birthday card. Got it.
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