• How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
    smile 115K
  • 772 comments

    • It’s annoying but attorneys are rarely allowed to make assumptions in court, even when it’s super obvious. They still need the witness to establish the information for it to be allowed in court (if it is coming from a witness)
      smile 2.6K 11
    • “How do you know if someone is alive during autopsy?” “The alive ones tend to fight”
      Aye_rockLord 20 jan
      smile 1K 4
    • Did you actually pass the bar exam 😂
      BlondeSunGod 19 jan
      smile 14
    • Ok, to be fair... I think attorneys are trained to not ask leading questions, so some of this can be credited to the witnesses vague answers not covering enough details and then the attorney unable to make assumptions. It doesn't make the attorney stupid, just highly disciplined
      hunter5886 19 jan
      smile 14 4
    • Can you get put of jury duty for laughing at defendants funny remark? I can't fairly judge someone if they make me laugh. Conflict of interest.
      JakExodus 21 jan
      smile 12
    • You know a lot of these are just lawyers trying to lead up to a point because they have to get the witness to say certain things (even if they are completely obvious) so they can make theyre next question relevant
      smile 12
    • When it comes to law, semantics is everything. If the details are not blatantly presented in a painfully obvious fashion, a lawyer will find a way to undermine it. Nevertheless this is pretty funny.
      Ravuhn 19 jan
      smile 12
    • I want this attorney going against me in court
      smile 11
    • Attorney “So you said that you were backing up” Witness “Yes, that is correct” Attorney “And what direction were you backing up in”
      smile 10 1
    • I think attorneys have to ask some of these questions for clarification. Because of so many damn loopholes, it’s important everything is covered... I mean, look at OJ.
      smile 10 2
    • For someone who is practicing law , I can say that they are trying to have open ended questions that leads them to what they want you to say to help their side of the case so they may have just gotten ahead of themselves such as the 3 boys one. In that case he would have asked if the other three
      xemantheory 19 jan
      smile 11 2
    • It's stupid, but those questions have to be answered. An attorney can't make a single assumption, meaning every single fact has to be confirmed by the witness etc.
      Minatoo 19 jan
      smile 10 10
    • “ And by who’s death was it terminated “ “ take a wilding fucking guess “
      smile 9
    • It may seem obvious to the general population, but the attorney's need literally everything to be stated for the record.
      Gen1ForLife 19 jan
      smile 9 1
    • “It’s to long to read” “f*ck off that’s to long.” Man, are you all just to dumb to read long narratives?
      smile 8 4
    • Well it started at her son being in his mid thirties, the her saying hes been living with her for 45 years... hes just proof checking
      iMRM_1472 20 jan
      smile 8
    • Holy shit how do these people graduate law school? Bribes?
      FPSMurica 19 jan
      smile 8
    • “Your honor, what if I called you a son of a bitch?” “Three more months in prison”. “Ah, I see. What if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?” “There is no punishment against thoughts”. “In that case, I THINK your a son of a bitch!”
      smile 8
    • Okay some of these attorneys are dumbasses but also some of them I understand. You can't make speculations in court, so even if te answer to a question is very obvious, you still have to ask so it is clarified and on record.
      Preposition 19 jan
      smile 8
    • Some of the times it wasn’t even the attorneys fault, the witness was just very unspecific like the death one. The death of another family member could perhaps have effected their marriage as well.
      Duds3y 19 jan
      smile 8
    • I'm pretty sure that the attorney isnt allowed to say anything for them. So they have them say the obvious even if it sound stupid
      smile 8
    • Well in order to hold conclusive evidence, the witness has to say t themselves. So questions like, “were you present when your picture was taken?” Aren’t stupid, just necessary to hold the witness accountable for where they apparently said happened
      smile 8
    • Ok ok so people don’t realize that the reason lawyers have to ask obvious questions is because they can’t assume ANYTHING. If the lawyer assumes something like “oh so your three children were girls?” It can be objected to as “leading the witness”
      Ops_Intel 19 jan
      smile 8
    • A lot of times they need verbal confirmation for stuff not just implied so they end up trying to get it by asking stupid questions
      ZFoxyClean 19 jan
      smile 8 1
    • Doctors are savage as fuck when it comes to lawyers
      oatneal89 19 jan
      smile 8
    • In the beginning it was black people and then you could hear the witnesses slowly getting whiter.
      smile 8
    • If my understanding is correct, I believe that they have to ask a lot of really specific and seemingly dumb questions like that so they can have every single bit of possible information, even if they know the answer so that it can be officially written down and put on the record.
      thrashgreen 19 jan
      smile 8 1
    • This witness guy's got some real zingers
      SenorJakeums 22 jan
      smile 7
    • megablackop 22 jan
      smile 7
    • I hope this is all from the same attorney
      smile 7
    • These lawyers aren’t actually stupid. They are asking these clarifying questions so it is on the record.
      Macow24 19 jan
      smile 7 5
    • Part if being an attorney is you have to make everything very clear. You can’t just leave something up to assumption because one of your other questions implied an answer
      Geckonavajo 19 jan
      smile 7
    • People can keep saying that the lawyers are idiots, but they NEED the witnesses to say these, in words, for confirmation.
      smile 8
    • Attorneys try to flood people giving opposing testimony with as many questions as possible in order to make them feel disoriented, drop their gaurd, and extract a favorable answer to a key question down the line. Stupid questions slip out sometimes, but they help achieve the same objective.
      smile 7
    • A lot of these really aren’t that bad because lawyers aren’t allowed to fill in the blank for a witness they need the witness to say everything themselves.
      smile 7
    • I like to imagine it’s the same attorney every time
      semeMdaeD 19 jan
      smile 7
    • Some of these are because attorneys usually ask questions that they already know the answer to just to emphasize or clarify a certain fact about the case. It’s not always cuz they are retarded
      smile 7 1
    • Attorneys have to ask some stupid questions because even if it’s obvious they need to clarify. So for the one where one of the married people died. Obviously the other one did but they need to clarify it
      SpaceM 19 jan
      smile 7 1
    • Lawyers and prosecutors have to be very thorough with questioning. Though I can see how they can be a little detached this way.
      male_idiot 19 jan
      smile 7 1
    • Sounds like an extremely funny comedy skit.
      rebelcam599 22 jan
      smile 6
    • They ask dumb questions so during any kind of appeals process, or counter argument, they can't use an equally idiotic argument to disprove/discredit the witness.
      yazayus 20 jan
      smile 6
    • "Yes it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law" is the most power move thing I have ever read
      smile 6
    • I mean attorneys have to lay out their case very explicitly. That often means getting super obvious answers to super obvious questions because they need the witness to verify everything.
      The_Liquor 19 jan
      smile 6 2
    • I’m a court reporter that doesn’t have to keep a straight face when something like this happens because I use a method called Stenomask so no one can see my face. It comes in handy sometimes 😂😂
      TallulahFawn 19 jan
      smile 6 3
    • I don’t think it’s necessarily the lawyers being idiots. It’s more they have to get the people to actually say it. Inferences might be obvious but someone has to say it aloud
      Cheese 19 jan
      smile 6 1
    • I work at Disneyland and believe me, I see thousands and thousand of people everyday all of which carry a very special amount of stupidity. Sometimes it I feel like I’m tripping out and I’m like “did they seriously just ask me that”. It’s different.
      amanduh_mier 19 jan
      smile 7
    • They have to admit. Attorney is trying to make it clear to the court. But I agree they ask stupid questions to get it done.
      Tenacious_j 19 jan
      smile 6
    • I need more of these 😂
      smile 6 1
    • We need you to confirm information on the record. We don’t ask those questions so we know the answer to them we ask so someone reading the record down the road will be certain about all the facts in case of an appeal.
      smile 6
    • Well some of that is just them being forced to clearly state everything for the record. They have to ask “male or female” even if they can guess pretty accurately
      WhenGoatsFly 19 jan
      smile 6
    • I get that sometimes a lawyer will ask what seems like a stupid or redundant question in order to catch a witness in a lie, but that's just downright retarded
      smile 6
    • I think lawyers have to ask stupidly obvious questions just so the answers are recorded for future reference. Also I think it psychs out the witness.
      gwalker 19 jan
      smile 6 1
    • If you realize, it's almost always the attorney that is instigating these stupid conversations. Their redundant questions lead to funny answers
      Felinez 19 jan
      smile 6
    • Last one got REKT’d
      _k3NdRy_ a month
      smile 5
    • That last attorney got fucking destroyed. Like absolutely obliterated
      TubaMatt 22 jan
      smile 5
    • This is some judge Judy shit here
      ElChangoleon 21 jan
      smile 5
    • These just seem like jokes someone wrote and put them in a tumblr post
      fartlol 20 jan
      smile 5 1
    • Maybe Phoenix Wright wasn't so good because of skill, but because everyone else was retarded.
      smile 5
    • The last one is fucking savage
      Exotixz 20 jan
      smile 6
    • Lawyers need precise testimony.
      smile 5
    • These people are the reason why we have warning labels on things.
      smile 5
    • Some of these attorneys are stupid but in some of this instances they were most likely asking questions to clarify for the judge or opposing attorney. Or they could have been just getting them to say it for the record
      smile 5
    • "Were there any girls?" Stupid comment then, valid question now.
      Aztar 19 jan
      smile 5
    • I like to imagine that all of these were part of the same bat-shit court case.
      smile 5
    • I am in law school, and we are taught to be overly thorough when questioning a witness, even if we think or we are almost sure of something, we need to confirm every aspect of their statement to ensure there are no loopholes or missed assets. Aside from the last one, which is ridiculous.
      AquaWolffe 19 jan
      smile 5
    • Bro, lawyers have to be the most overpaid-dumbest people on earth.
      smile 5
    • By whos death was it terminated would have killed me
      smile 5
    • I am a bailiff and I can confirm, people in court are retarded
      reddevils 19 jan
      smile 5
    • It makes sense they would ask some of these questions so they can have the witness admitting to certain things on record, even though it’s obvious
      skittle_man 19 jan
      smile 5
    • It seems stupid but the reason this happens is because the attorneys are trying to craft a path while asking questions ... sometimes the logic of the actual question gets lost when youre framing out a destination.
      smile 5 3
    • Retards: ToO lOnG tO rEaD
      Supbro85 19 jan
      smile 5
    • This is literally dialogue that you would see in an ace attorney game if you present the wrong evidence
      TogaHimiko 19 jan
      smile 6
    • These all sound like perfect ace attorney material
      Hewaa 19 jan
      smile 5
    • Y’all ever read long post just to flex on illiterate niggas
      smile 5
    • People are calling all of those lawyers dumb but what most people don't realize is that in order to drive home a particular argument, you have to ask some stupid ass questions. You always start with a stupid ass question and slowly it begins to make sense. All of these questions were calculated.
      novaT 19 jan
      smile 5 3
    • While I do know that the attorney has to clarify things though it is obvious what it is, I'm just not sure why. Like a marrige terminated by death, asking which one died, that's just silly.
      smile 5 2
    • Lawyers mainly ask stupid questions like this to try to get people to crack and see if they are lying
      smile 5 2
    • Some of these are just to get statements on the record, like if course they are present for their picture but the statement is more concrete and cant ge doctored
      smile 5
    • I believe a lot of the “stupid” things the attorneys are saying is because they need to have things stated exactly for the court. You can’t just expect the jury to draw assumptions you need them to have things stated clearly.
      smile 5
    • Sometimes attorneys will asked what seems like useless or redundant questions to see if the person changes the story or to change something small but what could lead to more information. It reminds me of the court part of “to kill a mockingbird” where Atticus kept asking Ewell if he could write
      smile 6
    • The rhetorical questions are for two things: 100% clarification of fact for everyone, and to check the consistency of the witness to make sure they aren’t lying.
      smile 5
    • I think some of these are just being extremely clear because of the “guilty without reasonably doubt” thing.
      mr_porcupine 19 jan
      smile 5
    • Some of these questions aren’t stupid, an attorney has to make sure every detail is answered by the witness, its not like they can assume or fill in details
      C0NCEITED 19 jan
      smile 5
    • This was legitimately entertaining
      Rodnice 19 jan
      smile 5
    • Attorney just try to mess people up so that they can be ruled as an unreliable witness, but then when it backfires so hard it just makes no sense.
      SomeLolzDood 19 jan
      smile 5 1
    • Thank you for posting this, it's been a while since I saw it!🤗
      redapple42 a month
      smile 4
    • Attorneys have to be specific with their questions, especially to keep record. The witnesses should be respectful nonetheless.
      Yaryle a month
      smile 4
    • They're called stenographers dumbass.
      MayanPyramid a month
      smile 4
    • I expected more stupid comments from the witnesses but these attorneys have me weak
      MrPeaches13 21 jan
      smile 4
    • Lol sweet fluffyfatpanda thanks for removing my top comment asshole
      smile 4
    • I wish I had a statistic of how many defendants have made the jury chuckle, and were voted not guilty
      JakExodus 21 jan
      smile 5
    • The how long has your son been living there was probably 4-5 years
      Grahamfrog 20 jan
      smile 4
    • to be fair. These are some stupid attorneys
      BLU3Boi 20 jan
      smile 4
    • “His brain was sitting on my desk in a jar” Boi
      Simbonita 20 jan
      smile 4 4
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