• ”.3 im-your-favorite-actor-and-i
a
so my roomates girlfriend just caught me
in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool
when you never see this person you only
hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her
asshole gets played with so me, trying to
act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was
holding an onion and not a delightful apple
and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp
but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss
% miss-midnight
lol wtaf. i can’t read a single word of this
paragraph
% detectivesonnshine
Ok but imagine being the gf here
You’ve been chillin with ur
8/0 and u decide
to get up and get a snack. U never talk to ur
S/O’s roommate, but u wanna play it cool
like u didn’tjust have sex 20 minutes ago
in this apartment while said roommate was
probably home. Awk af, but u got this.
U look up and nod at them, about to offer
  • {{ formattedCount }}  {{ count > 1 ? 'comments' : 'comment' }}

    • iDontGiveAFook
      amurica 12 jun
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    • gotta like other people’s comments to get their ball rolling
      Fck_it 12 jun
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    • Yeah bitch, I eat onions. You chose the wrong mf
      11 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • A true alpha move
      bluechaz 13 jun
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    • The roommate
      h_m_m_m 12 jun
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    • Now when Christmas comes I want to walk into the kitchen when my family is in town (5 uncles on my dads side) just walk into the room with an onion, take a bite out of it, give it to a uncle or cousin and walk out of the room like nothing happened. Like if you think I should and I’ll update later
      8 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • My boyfriends roommate just imitates my ‘sex sounds’ while laughing hysterically
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    • my friend was at a swimming competition and he bit into an orange thinking it was an apple. the other swim team saw him and were amazed, so he just kept going and ate the fucking orange right in front of them. what a power move.
      Aegis_Dex 12 jun
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    • People who say they cant read something because of a minor inconvience should go back to school fucin ibiots
      Jagerftw 12 jun
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    • I would have just straight up told her that my dumb ass thought it was an apple and made it a funny story
      6 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Tumblr should sue iFunny for stealing all of its contents for its featured section, which is monetized through ad revenue.
      iFappy 12 jun
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    • Pro-gamer power move
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    • I think it’s so annoying people make unnecessary loud sex noises.. or lack the courtesy to hold it back when they know someone else lives there.
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    • [Quick Thinking] Oh this? Helps with hangovers
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    • This happened to me basically. Except I accidentally drank a measuring cup of oil instead of water since I was cooking
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    • Okay but why did Holes make it seem like onions were the best, most juicy and delicious vegetable in the world
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    • Desu 12 jun
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    • In 5th grade, I was tasked with reenacting a scene from holes. So I bit directly into an onion and the juice shot out and went directly into this kid's eye and I was suspended for assaulting another student...
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    • Onions have L a Y e R s, like an OgRe
      5 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Shrek would commend you for this
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    • First time my roommates gf caught me in the kitchen it was pitch black at 3am and instead of doing anything a normal human would do I screeched and ran away on all fours with only the light of the fridge illuminating my escape
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    • I used to eat onions like apples when I was 4 but then I choked on one and almost died. Fun times
      hgfvjj 13 jun
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    • This is how I would describe my laugh, at first it sounds normal, than I sound like a hyena
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    • I do that
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    • Let's give him an ONION to make him look even more like an asshole
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    • Even better..
      Imall469 12 jun
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    • I had a stroke reading that first paragraph
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    • People that spell fuckin like fukkin need to leave
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    • One onion a day, keep doctors and everyone else away.
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    • Fucking power move
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    • Am I the only one who’s concerned about the person who couldn’t read the story?
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    • i love raw onions c r u n c h
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    • 4 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • PorkSword 12 jun
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    • 7 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Big dick energy
      Akivan 12 jun
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    • I know people that just eat onions raw like an apple
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    • No shit, I bit into an onion the other day and it tastes sweet after the second bite. I was gonna eat the whole thing but my mum needed it to make dinner lmao
      Jmystery7 17 jun
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    • I mean I used to hear my roommate and his girlfriend ducking and yowling all the time. I just ignored it and look where it got me! A new baby sister!
      Xarxes 16 jun
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    • Gotta prove your superiority
      3 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Shit inside her to establish dominance
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    • 3 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • A Powermove
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    • You bite the onnone
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    • It would have established more dominance if he just threw it at her
      BigNLong 13 jun
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    • Why is the spelling so awful in every sentence
      3 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Theres different layers to an onion. Just like how shes gonna shed her layers after watching you bite a pure onion
      MomoNeko 13 jun
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    • I remember this one time I was invited to an evening with 2 girls that wanted to tie dye some shirts we all got high af and I raided her dad's cheese n ritzs while they dyed shirts .. ahh .. I was kicked out at 2 a.m. .. high and alone lol
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    • Have some godamn respect for your roommates and go be dirty animals elsewhere
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    • My roommate and I used to see who could get their girls to be louder. He was winning so I told my girl the rubber broke and I came inside and she really won it for me.
      PaulSacks 12 jun
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    • i used to eat them like apples all the time as a kid. cant anymore, produce is expensive
      Skeleton_ 12 jun
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    • I've done this once, I was already drinking ao this wasn't real me it was drunk me, everybody was eating fruit with their vodka, I looked at them and said "I call this the shrek" bit the onion and took a shot of vodka
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    • Or how about you have some goddamn respect for others and wait until you and your SO are alone to bang so other people don't have to listen, you disgusting animals
      SaItie 12 jun
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    • Munch an onion to show your dominance.
      thewax00 12 jun
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    • My roomates gf walked in livingroom with cum in her hair like it was nbd
      3 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • I will actually eat an onion like an apple cause onions are delicious
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    • Onions arent bad raw
      SoupyNova 12 jun
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    • OK shrek
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    • Power move
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    • You basically just bit Shrek you know...
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    • Reading this was the equivalent of eating TV static
      Francwha 12 jun
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    • What is S/O?
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    • A roo-mate? Wtf is that? Unless you mean roommate
      Leaks 14 jun
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    • If you can't eat a whole raw onion your power level is truly insignificant
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    • Play it off with a "this is my swamp you know"
      MyNeko21 14 jun
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    • He needs to demonstrate his layers
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    • just show him ur butthole
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    • That's what they call a pro gamer move
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    • Gotta finish the onion now
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    • Yeah can’t get my girl to not be loud but roomate broke my oven so he’s gonna have to deal with it
      CestJACOB 12 jun
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    • Just whisper as you pass by welcome to my swamp
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    • Am I the only one who thinks onions taste good.
      MrSpider 12 jun
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    • So the roommate is Shrek
      RLGB 12 jun
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    • I mean pretty rude that you haven’t been introduced if it’s his girlfriend
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    • She left her boyfriend for his roommate
      2 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • I seriously had trouble reading the first one as well
      2 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Onions make you invisible to yellow spotted lizards
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    • So you walk out of your s/o's room and stand face to face with fucking Shrek...
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    • I once saw one of the cooks at work chopping onions and this sudden craving hit me like a fucking truck on the freeway, so I asked him for one and just ate the whole fucking thing
      AlexSigma 12 jun
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    • Glorious
      Mortoli 12 jun
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    • Clown below me
      Parappa 12 jun
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    • I've eaten a whole onion like it was an apple before. It was roasted inside a pig stuffed with carrots, potatoes, chicken, sausages, beef. Jus like a bit of everything and the onion tasted like all of it. I'd give my left nut for another one
      lude 12 jun
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    • Why she going through someone else's fridge tho? I'd be pretty salty if my roomate's gf was eating the food I bought.
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    • The Shrek is strong with this one
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    • Awkward person uses onion bite. It’s super effective...
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    • I just died inside 😂
      guessalex 12 jun
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    • Shrek
      guessalex 12 jun
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    • You have absolutely no dominance if you're on Tumblr.
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    • thats Alpha af
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    • 2 Copy FacebookPinterestTwitterEmail {{ shortRepliesCount }}
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    • Caramelize them, and they good af with salt, cayenne, and pepper.
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    • Ive done this twice in my life. The first time I caused raw onions to be banned from my school and the second was when somebody smuggled one in for me.
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    • So tumblr jesus christ
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    • Ogres are like onions 😉
      Double_N 12 jun
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    • Haha tumblr funny
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    • Should have whispered into her ear “Thees ees the pahrt whehre yew run aweh.”
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    • “HES MY ROOMMATE AND YOUR HOE!!! “ *takes big bite of onion not batting an eye*
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    • I ate half an onion for breakfast, weak ass
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    • Cool Story Bro
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